JAMES DUNN AND GREGORY PETERS, ATTORNEYS-AT-LAWS, PROUDLY PRESENT:
(SCENE: A courtroom. JUDGE bangs gavel.)
JUDGE: Court is in session. Wait a minute. Where is Hatcher? This court can’t start without Hatcher the lawyer. He thinks the world starts and stops with him.
(HATCHER enters. Cool. Wearing sunglasses.)
HATCHER: Did somebody saw LAW?
(Cool Lawyer Theme plays.)
JUDGE: HAAAATTTCCCCHHHEEERRR! You’re late again. You’re lucky I don’t find you in contempt.
HATCHER: Sorry I’m late your Honor, but on my way here, I saw a billboard for a cool haunted house and I went there and there were some great kids there. I taught them about law, I taught them about LAW, and most importantly, I taught them about different kinds of law. I taught them the difference between a dinghy and a paddle boat. I taught them about old men in rubber masks. And then I read aloud from Meghan Cooley Patterson’s classic book How To Build Hair-Raising Haunted Houses. And together we put on a heck of a show.
JUDGE: I love that book! But that has nothing to do with the case, Hatcher!
HATCHER: Well, your “honor” – tell me this! We recreated the crime scene in that haunted house and I realized something… Why would the fingerprints be on the envelope and the fire poker, in fact?
JUDGE: Save it for the jury, Hatcher. Haunted houses may be amazing, but they’re no excuse for throwing a monkey’s wrench in the merciless maw of the ever-turning wheels of justice. Now, your client is accused of chainsawing seventeen innocent orphans into ground chuck and selling it at an underground meat market. How does he plead?
HATCHER: (Rips off sunglasses.) He pleads horny and hungry, your Honor. And I plead insanity at 98 cents a pound! Is that a crime, sir? Is it a crime to do all the stuff you said? Maybe? But also consider everything else as well.
NITZ: Objection! The LAW is not on trial here! That is the only thing we should be considering.
HATCHER: The law isn’t on trial, is it? (Turns away from NITZ.) Well, Prosecutor what color is my tie?
NITZ: (Describes tie perfectly.)
HATCHER: That’s correct. But YOU’RE not on trial here.
JUDGE: He’s right. Objection overruled. Let’s see where this goes. Call your first witness Hatcher, but remember you’re on a short leash, just like last week in your rumpus room.
HATCHER: Your honor, I call Prosecutor Nitz to the stand!
NITZ: Whaaaa…. Your Honor, this is unprecedented!
JUDGE: All precedents start somewhere, Nitz, and this one starts here! Get in that box, just like last week in Hatcher’s rumpus room But this time no tagbacks.
(NITZ gets in the witness box. HATCHER paces back and forth.)
HATCHER: Since the beginning of time, think about all the different kinds of law. There is smoky law, stingy law, maritime law, tusk law, drippy law, goofy law, the law of night, the law of fording, lay lady law, the law of exceptional hair, lawst in space, and the most important law, the law of justice. Now keep thinking about all that law and mash it all up. See how it forms a pattern. And in that pattern, we find… This! (*Pulls a knife from a pocket*.) Look at this. Ever seen this before?
JUDGE and HATCHER: It’s the famous knife from all the law books!
JUDGE: And it’s another case closed. Innocent again. (Bangs gavel.)
NITZ: Shucks. God, you’re the best. I’m rock hard. (Starts slow clap.)
HATCHER: Small law for you. Big law for me.
(Cool Lawyer Theme plays as HATCHER puts sunglasses back on.)
JUDGE: One day you’ll find the law is more than big dramatic reveals, endless victory, and sunglasses, but I guess that day isn’t today. Drinks at the bar?
HATCHER: Sounds…. Cool.
JUDGE: You’re my best friend, roomie.
(*HATCHER grabs two crutches and drags his body out of the room while the Star Spangled Banner plays, and everyone else continues to slow clap*.)